This will be a post about total vulnerability right here. I feel like I should hop on here and share with ya’ll what God’s been revealing to me in the past week or so. Since our adoption is on hold until God says its time, I will try to post more often about what He’s revealing or just what I feel led to blog about. Let’s start!
As some of you know, Tim and I are in a pretty bad financial situation(honestly who’s NOT?) right now and has been for quite a while. I’ve been getting pretty worrisome lately because it’s come to a point where all we have left to pay IS bills and sometimes we have to decide which bill is more important to pay and what ones can go a little longer unpaid. It totally sucks because there is literally no extra money for us to “treat” ourselves. Not that we need to do that all the time but what I mean is there’s no extra in case we need clothes or even if something goes wrong with our vehicles. You know, just anything outside of bills, food, and gas. It puts a major strain because WHAT IF something does go wrong? What do we do? How will we fix it? Who can we even ask? We are not ones to ask for help, no matter how bad we need it. We just aren’t those types of people, we’d rather not be a burden to others.
Tim’s job hasn’t been doing well for the past year. Last September they started the rolling layoffs and started working every other week. Come January of this year they started doing better and went back to full time work. Now, a year later, they are still at full time work weeks BUT they literally have no work at all. So Tim goes in just to sit down and do nothing all day. A lot of people would probably LOVE to just sit and do nothing all day at work. When you come into a financial situation like this then you probably won’t like not having work anymore because it makes you think of all the other things you CAN be doing to help your family out of this mess. So it makes the days much harder, you’d rather be working your butt off knowing you will be able to provide MORE for your family that way.
This past week I was having a super hard time with the whole situation, just very frustrated about everything. Tim told me that I need to retrain my thoughts to reflect the belief that God’s got us and will provide for us, that we just need to trust that. I fully believe in God and know what he’s capable of but I realized that I don’t fully trust and believe the fact that he can do something for US. I see what he does for everyone else, but think “well..what about us?”. That’s not the right type of thinking. Comparing yourself to someone else will only steal your joy. Each persons journey is different so why compare? We need to shift our focus from our situation to putting our eyes on God. Our situation doesn’t have power to change but God has all the power to change that situation….once you fully believe and trust that he can and will FOR YOU.
Let me just say that God is very real. I can tell you this first hand. Tim and I are leaders for a study at our church called Freedom. Its a study designed to break strongholds and free you from bondage like guilt, anger, rejection, plus more. We just did week 3 with our students and there was a part that reiterated what Tim told me about retraining my thoughts. I’ll copy it here: “Ask the Lord to help you make life-giving decisions every day. Start the day with such a prayer, and throughout the day, when faced with a difficult decision or situation, press pause, examine your motives, and ask Him for wisdom. Though retraining the way we think and respond takes time, we learn and grow in both our successes and our failures. Remember God loves you, and He is for you. Grace was His idea.” I find instances like this pretty cool when you speak to someone about it and then see it again. I take these things as confirmation.
But it didn’t stop there. I was listening to the song In Over My Head by Jenn Johnson the next night and I had to stop what I was doing and write. I’ll post video below:
This is what I wrote during this song: “God wants you to be fully immersed in Him. We need to get to a place where we are not afraid to be in over our heads in His waters. That is what trusting fully in Him is. No matter if you sink or swim He’s got you, you just need to trust that.” I also wrote out my personal thought on it: “Right now I’m waist deep or maybe neck deep in the water. I’m scared to let go to go deeper in. I’m the type of person who needs to see or have proof that things will work out and such. But God doesn’t work that way and I’m in a constant battle with myself about it. I have a hard time trusting He will see us out our mess. I KNOW He will but I’m not at a point to fully trust it.”
And the reason why I say God is real is because on Sunday a man came talk to me and said God needed to show me something. But the man didn’t say that at first, he told me after. He came sat by me and gave me a compliment about my notes I was writing. So I told him i was working on a SOAP method bible study and explained how I have a hard time getting into the bible and understanding it and this study is starting to help me. Then he asked me if I understood the process from where I am to where I will be. I was honest with him and told him not really. He then proceeds to draw out a diagram of the process, all while explaining to where I understood it. I’ll try to do my best at explaining it but he started with the Passover in Egypt. The Passover was when the Israelites marked their doors with the blood of the lamb to save their first born sons. The Israelites fled from Egypt after that and went into the wilderness. God had to take the people OUT of Egypt. The people spent 40 years in the desert. The reason why it took them 40 years was because God was working to get the ways of Egypt out of THEM. Only was it then that God allowed them to go into the promised land. He waited until one whole generation was gone before letting them go into the promised land.
Okay what does this mean? It means that God puts you in certain situations to get the worldly ways out of you. Only until you fully let go of certain ways will you be blessed beyond measure. We need to take our eyes off of what we’re in and put them on the one who can change it all in an instant. If we fully trust and believe Him. God sent this man to explain this to me to help me realize even more about where I’m at. Right now I am in the wilderness and God is trying to break the worldly ties out of me so I can move into His promises. Is it easy? Hell no LOL. Its hard as heck man. But like it said in the Freedom book, it takes time. We have to give ourselves grace to learn and stop being so hard on ourselves. God’s constantly speaking to us. We just need to tune in to Him. And this weekend that was very clear to me.
Let go, believe and trust.